Are you READY? With JellyBean's BIRTHday quickly approaching, Josh and I get this question daily. It kind of makes me laugh but it also makes my heart race and blood pressure rise! Emotionally, I think so. Physically, Absolutely! Literally, hmmmm.... For a Type A Perfectionist who obsesses over details- the nursery is a NIGHTMARE! I know, I know...that baby won't know or care what the nursery looks like! All my plans for creating the "perfect" nursery went out the window when we up and moved. Now that were renting and plan on getting out of here as soon as we can-and the fact I poop out before I get my shoes tied- it's difficult to be inspired to do anything with the house! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at all bitter that I'm having to skip out on the crafts and creating that I thought would fill the months in preparation for Baby's arrival! But, at least we have the necessities! The rest is sure to follow...soon I hope!
"Arise, Shine; for your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you!" Isaiah 60:1
I wasn't prepared to read this verse in Isaiah this morning. I can't recall if I've ever heard it before and if I have, it didn't move me like it did this morning. As soon as I read over the verse, my mind immediately went to a favorite childhood song...
"This little light of mine- I'm going to let it shine!"…Well, I can't hear this sweet song without thinking of Bailey…arms flailing through the air, doing her very best to make her little pointer finger stand alone. And her favorite part-jerking her hand back down, pouting out her lip, and shaking her head during "don't let Satan blow it out!" Quite comical for anyone watching and quite dangerous for anyone standing in swinging distance. She loved this song. She loved to sing. She loved to dance….
And just like that uncontrollable tears roll down my cheeks and sadness floods my soul. I miss her. And knowing our child/children will not know their Aunt on this side of Heaven is a thought that breaks my heart into one million pieces. Just like weddings, birthdays, holidays, and every day ending in "y"- even the happiest of times are left with a void that simply can't be filled. Bailey LOVED all things baby! And it's undeniable that she would be BEYOND ecstatic to become an aunt!
It's always bothered me that the friends and family that have come to be over the past 6years- especially Josh and Brandi- never had the chance to meet Bailey personally. I've questioned God's timing (again and again) on why He chose to not let the people Jacob and I love the most and will spend forever with experience our family "before." But, also to experience the darkest most difficult time in our lives with us- or at least have more of an understanding of where were coming from. I know, I know, there is a reason- but I just think it would have made it a little easier…She is such a huge part of shaping me, our family, our thoughts, our faith, our traditions, well, everything- into who and what we are. As hard as I try, there is no way to fully communicate all there is to know...But more than anything I wish they could have known the joy, silliness, and genuine love that we were blessed to feel.
God's love and grace shined vividly through that brown eyed, freckled faced, snaggle-toothed little girl! And there's so much I want my children to know about their Aunt Bailey. I look forward to teaching them "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it ShInE!"…and pray they will allow God's light to shine brightly through them for all the world to see!
Crazy thing about grief- you never know when it's going to hit or what will spark an outpour of emotion. But as quickly as I was reminded of all the "never to be moments"- God spoke gently though a song playing softly on the radio. It gives me chill bumps! Coincidence? Not hardly...
*The picture is of the plaque by a tree Bailey's classmates planted on her 14th birthday
